Happy and Sappy Sunday?
I don’t know/care…let’s just start.
Musings Episode 89: Convince No One…
Well….last week was exhausting.
I generally grow tired and exhausted when I’m required to engage in social contact that involves…people I don’t want to engage in social contact with.
So…when this happens, it feels like a battery that’s being drained and in desperate need of a recharge – I’m that battery.
There are also times when this happens that it feels like a battery that’s going to overload and explode – I am also that battery.
On both occasions, generally one of the exchanges that count as exhausting are whenever I’m talking to some egotistical slack-jawed junkslut – mostly in business.
Personal-life wise, I do a pretty good job of avoiding those types all together.
…and by “those types” I just mean someone up their own ass.
I’ve always been on the side of the argument that narcissism and egoism aren’t the same, and that in a world of this or that, narcissism is better than being insecure any day.
Largely because of the fact that when insecure people talk, in my experience many of them always seem to need convincing.
Convincing that they’re doing a good job.
Convincing that they’re loved.
Convincing that they’re a wonderful person.
Convincing that life doesn’t suck half as bad as they think it does.
Convincing that their friends really like them.
Convincing that their grandma (who’s been dead for like a millennium) really did love them.
They need convincing no matter how many times you may try to lift them up.
Don’t get me wrong – there’s nothing wrong with a little reassurance – but there’s a fine line.
With convincing, approval likes to tag along.
That is to say, insecurity often brings along the habit of a person doing things to seek approval.
Being a “people pleaser”.
Narcissists on the other hand, are interesting in the sense that they already tell themselves everyone loves them, they’re the best thing since sliced bread, and everything they do is like the first time something really useful was invented for human kind.
Like the lightbulb.
They also obsess over being the best…which in turn, often makes them push themselves to be the best.
There are narcissist that are really just insecure people masquerading as narcissist (like Trump), I think, but that’s another story for another time.
So what am I getting at here…right – convincing.
Yeah, stop doing that shit.
Stop bending over backwards to try to prove yourself if you already know you’ve made something decent or are making something decent of yourself when it comes to personal development.
Oddly, in several relationships across the board it seems like people need to be convinced more and more about different things.
Are people growing more insecure?
Take business for instance. Remember the good old days where you just swung by a company, maybe sweet talked the receptionist into getting you a spot to see the boss, or walked in regularly and asked to see the person in charge because you saw an ad in the paper?
You put in your CV/resumé, you either got seen the next day, or same day, had an informal chat, and before you knew it you were hired?
There were no 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, interviews plus one drink-the-blood-of-a-goat final 5th ritual interview, just because they needed to cross-examine to make sure they were convinced enough to hire you.
There was no portfolio you had to present, no vague requests to “prove a track record of success” without actually specifying exactly what they’re looking for.
A guy looked at your CV, had a chat with you to see if what was on your CV wasn’t bullshit, and went with his gut.
There was an unsaid trust.
This amazingly managed to do just as good of a job as what recruiters are “trained” to do (but fail ever so miserably at) when it comes to ensuring people were hired based off of their talent or skills they could bring to a company, rather than nepotism or particularism.
Or for another example, take romantic relationships.
Remember when you could just walk up to someone, apologize for interrupting, and compliment them on something you really liked about them physically?
Or maybe you’d just be in the bookstore and strike up a conversation about a book you see someone considering buying and you’ve bought it before so hey great, conversation starter.
There’d either be a positive or negative reaction, you’d maybe swap numbers (home numbers, no mobile phones then), eventually go on dates, etc.
Once you were in the relationship, texting day-to-day wasn’t necessary nor was it possible.
The person just trusted that you liked them and them only, and when you both did call to meet up again, you valued it more.
You never really had to convince one another you were into each other, because each time you both met it was like meeting each other all over again – all due to a build up of the feeling of missing one another and looking forward to seeing each other.
Friendships are the same way. I could go on and on and on but I think you’re smart enough to draw up your own examples.
Nobody really says “prove it to me”.
Alright so maybe some business people do, but nobody really says prove it.
What are you, 5?
They won’t ever really say it because they don’t want to sound 5.
But actions speak loud enough to send the message without words ever having to leave the mouth.
I’m very much action oriented…so maybe this irritates me more than others.
But frankly, I don’t believe in people’s words.
A writer, who writes, and writes, and writes – but doesn’t believe other people’s words.
Well, maybe it’s a little more nuanced than that.
I believe people’s words, but I watch their actions.
I don’t believe in proving, don’t believe in convincing, and don’t seek approval.
I’ll take someone’s word, trust and expect them to do the action, and leave them to it.
If they don’t I don’t really care, because I don’t attach much weight to their words first time around.
I do believe that actions speak a lot louder than words, when carried out.
Largely because of the fact that as the desire from people, of people to prove themselves, to convince other people that they are what they are, can do what they can do, feel how they feel, and need what they need, increases…it only perpetuates the issue of words becoming devoid, meaningless – lip service.
Saying whatever it is someone wants to hear makes words’ value drop to absolute zero.
Saying whatever it is someone wants to hear increases the need for actual proof through actions to be carried out.
In people wanting others to convince them, to prove to them, whatever it is that they want proof or convincing of, it makes it harder to separate the real from the pleaser.
The true from the false.
The raw from the sugar-coated.
Which creates the theory that if people realized the weight of their words, the value of their words, they wouldn’t use them so superfluously.
They wouldn’t just spit off at the mouth.
They would think before speaking…and this would quite possibly restore value to words used.
Trust ties in with this. When a person constantly needs convincing or proof, they lack trust.
You can’t cure that.
You can’t make someone trust you.
It just has to happen.
So if you can’t make someone trust you, and they’re not willing to let themselves trust you, you can’t really convince them either.
If you’re someone who doesn’t seek approval, this can be pretty frustrating.
So here’s the simple solution to at least clear your head.
Just say it.
Say it to the insecure types, the untrustworthy types of people you may encounter in life.
“I’m not going to convince you.”
But only say it on the basis your words carry fucking weight.
Two things can happen.
They either will disengage in conversation with you, and that’s that, or they’ll realize your lack of attempting to use a silver tongue means there is truth in what you speak.
Stop pandering to insecure people.
Catering to such a frame of mind will inevitably snowball into our downfall as human beings.
Think about it.
Improve Your Lifestyle. Improve Yourself. This is Life. This is Rego’s Life.™